The Watercooler for Netflix

Doing Two Things Is Confusing
The year is 2000, Amazon, the burgeoning internet book seller, splits off their new music department into a website called Nile.com. By 2011 every river has a .com address and is a commerce portal operated by Amazon.com. Over the next 10 years the internet is entirely dominated by single serving sites. Subdomains don’t exist and more than 8 characters after the .com is considered obscene. As Netflix’s streaming catalog threatens to overshadow it’s classic DVD by mail program a bewildered public and confused stock market force Netflix to spin off it’s flagship productline into a new company for clarity’s sake. 

Netflix is Run By Sadists
Fuck you for using our service. No seriously, fuck you. Oh you were just about to finish that streaming movie? NOPE. Expired. Fuck off.  Oh, you want another DVD? NOPE. Slow your roll, asshole. Oh hey, do you want to connect with friends and privately share ratings and recommendations? NOPE. Maybe try Facebook instead? OH NO WAIT FUCK THAT SHIT. And hey, our way of saying thanks for those years of thoughtful reviews you wrote: STRIPPING ATTRIBUTION. No one want to know your name, bitch. Hey at least our website is easy to use. Do a search and if it’s streaming watch it now, iif it’s on DVD add it to your queue. HAHA FUCK YOU SEARCH TWICE. 

Netflix is Run By Masochists
What do you mean you like my variety? I hate that about myself. The future isn’t in discs and my present streaming selection sucks. My core business model is a joke. Spank me on the stock market, abuse me in my comment threads. I deserve it. I don’t know why you keep giving me money anyways. I know everyone is mocking me when they call things “the Netflix of whatever”.  I know they just mean the new failure. I’m going to go cut myself. 

Netflix Is Having An Identity Crisis
I’m chopping off my hair, kicking out my core business, and uprooting myself to a different domain. You can call me Starchild Qwikster.  Netflix is my slave name. 

All of These Domains Were Already Taken
Flix.com
Redenvelope.com
Netdiscs.com
Netdisx.com
Maildiscs.com
Quickflicks.com
Quickfliks.com
Quickflix.com
Qwikflix.com
Quickdiscs.com
Quickdisc.com 
Netfix.com
Netster.com
Entertainmail.com
Playitbymail.com
Discter.com
Quickster.com
Qwickster.com
Quikster.com
Quixtar.com
NotNetflixForContractualReasons.com  

Netflix: White Collar Squatter
Unhappy with their business model, Netflix decided to follow Google’s and go into web ads. The choose an impossible to remember company name then buy every spelling permutation to show ads against. 

Qwikster: Pawn in Corporate Chess
Netflix puts Qwikster up for sale. Amazon buys Qwikster. Netflix buys Hulu. Apple files anti-duopoly lawsuit.  Amazon merges with Netflix, hostilely takes over Apple. Government breaks up iFlixzon. Qwikster only viable model after internet razing war. 

An Offer Netflix Can’t Refuse
In exchange for rights to stream high quality movies, the studios extracted certain measures from Netflix. 

1. Reed Hastings’s must visit each of the studio heads personally and sing “I am a little teapot.” 
2. The studios kidnapped Reed Hastings’s daughter and if he didn’t comply they’d sign her to a three picture deal with Eddie Murphy. 
3. In a fit of Scrabble induced pique, the studios demanded that Netflix must spin off it’s DVD by mail service into a new website that uses a Q, W, and K, but only two vowels. 
4. The new site cannot use any of Netflix’s APIs and must be coded by out of work humanities PhDs given an HTML For Dummies book. 
5. Netflix is not allowed to blame or even mention the studios in its rationale for these changes.

New To Streaming

 Star Trek

Capt. James T. Kirk (William Shatner) and the crew of the starship USS Enterprise keep intergalactic danger at bay and delves deep into the exploration of space. Leonard Nimoy co-stars as Spock.

 Sports Night

Aaron Sorkin’s critically acclaimed series follows the offbeat cast and crew of a sports news show as they deal with professional and personal challenges in their pressure-cooker work environment.

 The Worst Week of My Life

Murphy’s Law is an ongoing theme in this quirky BBC comedy series that finds seemingly cursed couple Howard and Mel in the midst of premarital chaos — and, later on, in the throes of labor pains.

 Ip Man 2

Centering on Ip Man’s migration to Hong Kong in 1949 as he attempts to propagate his discipline of Wing Chun martial arts.

 Cinema Paradiso

A filmmaker recalls his childhood, when he fell in love with the movies at his village’s theater and formed a deep friendship with the theater’s projectionist.

Expiring Soon

 The Rocky Horror Picture Show

A newly engaged couple have a breakdown in an isolated area and must pay a call to the bizarre residence of Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

 Super Size Me

While examining the influence of the fast food industry, Morgan Spurlock personally explores the consequences on his health of a diet of solely McDonald’s food for one month.

 Lady Chatterley 

Joely Richardson is Lady Chatterley, who — at the urging of her paralyzed, impotent spouse (James Wilby) — finds a lover in the form of her husband’s handsome gamekeeper.

 X-Men 

Two mutants come to a private academy for their kind whose resident superhero team must oppose a terrorist organization with similar powers.

 Doc Martin

Crippled by a sudden fear of blood, flashy surgeon Dr. Martin Ellingham (Martin Clunes) abandons his bustling London practice and sets up shop as a country doctor in this British sitcom. 

New To Streaming

 Pulp Fiction (Trailer)

The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster’s wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of violence and redemption.

 Killers (Trailer)

A vacationing woman meets her ideal man, leading to a swift marriage. Back at home, they discover their neighbors could be assassins who have been contracted to kill them.

 Dark Shadows (Trailer)

The rich Collins family of Collinsport, Maine is tormented by strange occurrences in this ’60s classic series.

Expiring Soon

 Zombieland (Trailer)

A shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting tough guy trying and a pair of sisters trying to get to an amusement park join forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.

 Company (Excerpt)

Raúl Esparza stars in this 2006 revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Tony Award-winning musical comedy recorded live for PBS’s “Great Performances” 

 Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (Trailer)

When two brothers organize the robbery of their parents’ jewelry store the job goes horribly wrong, and they, their father and one brother’s wife are sent hurtling towards a shattering climax.

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 Hindsight (Trailer)

Unexpectedly pregnant with no means to raise a child, Dina and Ronnie decide to sell their unborn baby over the Internet. Their plan begins to unravel when the couple they’ve chosen have an agenda of their own.

 Vital (Trailer)

After a tragic car accident where his girlfriend died, Hiroshi Takagi suffers amnesia with his memories completely blanked. Becoming a medical student, he explores his grief and the incident. 

 Ab-Normal Beauty (Trailer)

When a young photography student witnesses a woman get hit by a car and bleed to death, she snaps a few shots of the scene, inadvertently discovering that she has a disturbing fascination with death. 

Also: Me and You and Everyone We Know (Trailer)

Suggest a Netflix streaming movie we should watch for next week’s poll. Then watch it with us and share your thoughts. Click through for poll, open to all.

What should we watch next week?

 Sherlock (Trailer)

A modern update finds the famous sleuth and his doctor partner solving crime in 21st century London.Written by Steven Moffat, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman.

 Marwencol (Trailer)

After a vicious attacks leaves him brain-damaged and broke, Mark Hogancamp seeks recovery in “Marwencol”, a 1/6th scale World War II-era town he creates in his backyard.

 The Italian Job (Trailer)

Comic caper movie about a plan to steal a gold shipment from the streets of Turin by creating a traffic jam. Starring Michael Caine, Noel Coward and Benny Hill.

 The Terminator (Trailer)

A human-looking, apparently unstoppable cyborg (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton); Kyle Reese is sent to stop it.

 Network (Trailer)

In this Oscar winning film, a TV network cynically exploits the outrageous ravings of a deranged TV anchor (Peter Finch) for their own profit. Stars Faye Dunaway, Robert Duvall, and William Holden.

Winner of last week’s poll
(and what we’ll watch this week)

 FLCL (Trailer)

A 12-year old boy named Naota one day meets a strange woman, riding a Vespa and wielding a big guitar. As soon as she appears, mysterious things start happening.

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… you might like:

 Wet Hot American Summer

Paul Rudd, Molly Shannon and Elizabeth Banks co-star in this spoof on summer-camp camp set in 1981 starring members of The State.

 Assassination of a High School President

While investigating the theft of his school’s SAT exams, sophomore newspaper reporter Bobby Funke uncovers an even bigger conspiracy. This comic noir co-stars Mischa Barton and Bruce Willis.

 Smiley Face

After a young actress (Anna Faris) unknowingly eats her roommate’s pot cupcakes, her day becomes a series of misadventures. John Krasinski and Danny Trejo co-star in this comedy.

Suggest a Netflix streaming movie we should watch for next week’s poll. Then watch it with us and share your thoughts. Click through for poll, open to all.

What should we watch next week?

 Network (Trailer)

In this Oscar winning film, a TV network cynically exploits the outrageous ravings of a deranged TV anchor (Peter Finch) for their own profit. Stars Faye Dunaway, Robert Duvall, and William Holden.

 The Terminator (Trailer)

A human-looking, apparently unstoppable cyborg (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton); Kyle Reese is sent to stop it.

 The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (Trailer)

This 1943 Criterion film follows the exploits of pristine British soldier Clive Candy (Roger Livesey) as he battles to maintain his honor through romance, three wars and a changing world.

 Sweet Land (Trailer)

Set in 1920, Inge travels from Germany to rural Minnesota meet the man destined to be her husband. Bureaucracy and social morality cause major complications.

 FLCL (Trailer)

A 12-year old boy named Naota one day meets a strange woman, riding a Vespa and wielding a big guitar. As soon as she appears, mysterious things start happening.

Winner of last week’s poll
(and what we’ll watch this week)

 Noriko’s Dinner Table (Trailer)

Unhappy with suburban life, 17-year-old Noriko spends more and more time on a Web site where she meets and chats with other teenage girls across Japan and eventually runs away from home.

Read More